I’m sure you’ve all been there where you have needed your OC to have a sarcastic comeback or witty remark and you simply could not think of one. I am not sarcastic by nature and I was once in this position. It took hours of online search to find one that suited the situation and attitude of my OC creating the following interaction:

It is because of these events that I decided to make a list here of 100 sarcastic quotes and phrases that you can skillfully use in your own works. Even if you don’t write, we all need a laugh and I hope you enjoy these. Feel free to add your own in the comments section below.

The List

  • 1.I avoid you because I’m afraid of me, not you. My temper goes from zero to prison really fast.
  • 2.If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
  • 3.If I wanted to kill myself, I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
  • 4.I’m jealous of the people who haven’t met you.
  • 5.Some people are such treasures that you just want to bury them.
6
  • 7. Stranger: Nice to meet you. Me: Give it time.
  • 8. There’s no need to repeat yourself, I ignored you just fine the first time.
  • 9. You sound better with your mouth closed.
  • 10. The path to inner peace begins with four words. Not my fucking problem.
  • 11. Keep it up and you will be a strange smell in the attic.
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  • 13. I’m just here establish an alibi.
  • 14. I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
  • 15. Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.
  • 16. Life’s good, you should get one.
  • 17. Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.
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  • 19. If you ran as much as your mouth, you’d be in good shape.
  • 20. My silence doesn’t mean I agree with you. It’s just that your level of ignorance has rendered me speechless.
  • 21. Never mistake my silence for weakness. Nobody plans a murder out loud.
  • 22. Stranger: What do you look for in a partner? Me: A way out.
  • 23. Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
24
  • 25. My favourite party trick is not going.
  • 26. I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
  • 27. Why do we spend so much time looking for intelligent life on other planets? I’d be happy to find intelligent life here on Earth.
  • 28. Back in my day, people used to take photos with other people in them.
  • 29. My friends are so much cooler than yours. They’re invisible.
30
  • 31. There’s no reason to tailgate me when I’m doing 50 in a 35. And those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous.
  • 32. Yeah, I’m a pacifist. I’m about to pass a fist across your face.
  • 33. Didn’t sleep much but I did get a solid few hours of worrying done.
  • 34. Your fervent, misguided sense of entitlement is stunning.
  • 35. Underestimate me. That will be fun.
36
  • 37. Apparently rock bottom has a basement.
  • 38. Someday, you’ll go far. I hope you stay there.
  • 39. It’s ok if you disagree with me. I can’t force you to be right.
  • 40. My purpose in life is to serve as a cautionary tale to others.
  • 41. I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.
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  • 43. Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.
  • 44. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
  • 45. Let’s share… You’ll take the grenade, I’ll take the pin.
  • 46. If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
  • 47. I work 40 hours a week for us to be this poor!
48
  • 49. Is it time for your medication or mine?
  • 50. Really, Sherlock? No! You are clever.
  • 51. I’m not always rude and sarcastic, sometimes I’m asleep.
  • 52. When Social Distance is Over, Let’s Not Tell Some People.
  • 53. An Apple A Day Keeps Anyone Away If You Through It Hard Enough.
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  • 54. I am not young enough to know everything.
  • 55. If anything can go wrong, it will.
  • 56. Stranger: Do you have any sense?   Me: Ya, do you want some?
  • 57. Marriage has no Guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
  • 58. You look like a before picture.
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  • 60. People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.
  • 61. I know I’m a handful but that’s why you got two hands.
  • 62. Sometimes I question my sanity. Occasionally it replies.
  • 63. Money talks, but mine always says ”Goodbye”.
  • 64. I need to social distance from the kitchen. I tested positive for fat ass.
65
  • 66. My Doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said: ”No, we all seem to enjoy it”.
  • 67. You remind me of a penny. Two-faced and not worth much.
  • 68. My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
  • 69. Feed your own Ego. I’m busy.
  • 70. I’m not lazy, I’m in energy saving mode.
71
  • 72. My luck is like a bald guy who won a comb.
  • 73. It’s beginning to look a lot like fuck this.
  • 74. Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
  • 75. Take me back to the night we met… So I can leave you there.
  • 76. You’re the reason God created the middle finger.
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  • 78. Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.
  • 79. You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.
  • 80. I’d give you a nasty look but you’ve already got one.
  • 81. The people who tolerate you on a daily basis are the real heroes.
  • 82. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce.
83
  • 84. It’s kind of hilarious watching you try to fit your entire vocabulary into one sentence.
  • 85. Stupidity isn’t a crime, so you’re free to go.
  • 86. Jesus might love you, but everyone else definitely thinks you’re an idiot.
  • 87. You see that door? I want you on the other side of it.
  • 88. Isn’t there a bullet somewhere you could be jumping in front of?
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  • 90. If I threw a stick, you’d leave, right?
  • 91. Somewhere out there, there’s a tree working very hard to produce oxygen so that you can breathe. I think you should go and apologize to it.
  • 92. Hold still. I’m trying to imagine you with personality.
  • 93. Hey, your village called – they want their idiot back.
  • 94. Good story, but in what chapter do you shut up?
95
  • 96. There are some remarkably dumb people in this world. Thanks for helping me understand that.
  • 97. I was hoping for a battle of wits but you appear to be unarmed.
  • 98. Earth is full. Go home.
  • 99. You fear success, but you really have nothing to worry about.
  • 100. I’ve got heels higher then your standards.

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